My Martial arts reflection

Today, I retaliated against my boredom & started dusting off my Hawaiian yoga mat. Out of shape even after taking Mark Divine's course last year. After 20yrs...I did some basics for some of my prior Senseis &  Professors 80 crunches with toe touch to partial roll, about 80-90 Foot sweeps making marks in sand & water in the surf.
I tried the shrimpie exercises in the relatively still ocean, hands behavior behind back & ankles locked 3x  to shore from 15-20" out. It was interesting to watch my breath control, and make a serious adjustment. Then treaded water for 25min -- I should have a weight for this.
After 20yrs of intermittent martial arts & street defense seminars, I only have left 1 dirty white belt & an Israeli Krav 1 diploma somehow with E. Yanilov's  signature on it. and a Kajukembo Yellow belt issued at the Founder's funeral, and an Orange belt in Kempo from Allemany's line. Pretty pathetic since I'm a female & part Japanese.

Oh well, I'm not much of a fighter anyway & prone to non-violent literature and past actions involving me getting pinned under a car. Or wearing an ice vest in a Mylar Fish costume in 90 degree weather to protest Bass Masters.
20 years---

Military /Self Defense instructors who abuse women

This is based on a woman's true story and the author has been threatened by a man for writing this blog article.

• He puts on the "I can't control my abusive machismo" attitude due to his martial arts background, to you. He justifies how he abuses you by saying he's defending himself.


• ie., one instructor who has nearly every black belt imaginable a military experience background, in private would say that he's so hard-wired to protect himself that you can't come near him without his punching you. He would try to hit her even when they were watching dvd's of movies as she brought the popcorn over (once he nearly broke her nose), and after movie theater movies (which she'd be required by him to pay for) he would flip out, throw things at her and hurt her. saying it was her fault and that if anything he didn't know what happened and the movie made him do it. Though, this same instructor would go on blackbelt outings with hundreds of people who sleep in auditoriums and in rooms together, and bring back photos of sleeping in the rooms together and even of little kids sleeping.


• He says to you that because you didn't come to him looking for lessons you're seeing eachother and have a different financial obligation to him. This takes the form of being a dues paying member very inexpensive. Mostly because he puts all financial expectations of you outside the dojo. He starts by asking if you can help some with getting pizza or something for everyone. Once he establishes with everyone that he can provide these things a number of things begin to happen to you: 1. He demands that you help him financially with his friends' weddings, and other important events that you aren't invited to and cost is in the $100's of dollars. 2. He demands that you pay for gas for everyone from his parents'vehicles (x2), his vehicle (so he can take people out and you aren't included), and anyone else who might be driving him. (this adds to $1000's in a few months) 3. He takes away anything thing that you purchase for yourself and own use - such as groceries, dvd's, and other items in the vehicle. (mind you don't live with this man). 4. He attempts to take things from the property where you live (including furniture). These are just some examples. And, when you say no to him, because you meet in the dojo-- other people in the dojo hurt you for saying "no" to him.


• This Instructor is often attempting to be very charismatic and will bend over backwards for others in his community of martial arts and other services so that he can continue to abuse you. The most frequent thing that this type of narcissistic person will do is blame you for having feelings. If you didn't have feelings none of this would be a problem and it's your fault. He's the type who will volunteer at the Boyscouts and may have a high rank, be outstanding, and bring up the boys the way he wants to. He'll go as far as to blame anything you try to point out as inappropriate on you. Essentially his mindset in your relationship with him is that: you are to blame for any accusations brought on him. There is NO normalcy of interpersonal interaction with him. If he told you that you have to sleep with him because he thinks its good for you, he'll make sure you do so on his terms. And, if you have any feelings about it, he will scold you and call you crazy and make other damaging mental/emotional comments at you.


• This Instructor will even go as far as to get other students to abuse you. One day this woman was in class and one of the Navy Seals hit her in the back/near kidney really hard for no apparent reason to her. This Instructor then announced that if there were going to be any extra hits (to this woman he was using sexually) that the men there would have to pay him. The next day she had blacked out at the instructors house/dojo in the bathroom and was concious enough to remember him tossing her in the back of his truck and then dropping her off at her home. She was laid up in bed for 5 days before anyone came to check on her. He returned, and realizing how bad the injury was he took her to his martial arts friend& instructor. In the meantime, he didn't call, didn't stop by, and didn't care. She had moved to Hawaii alone, with funds to set up her new life and business, and this Instructor took away what would have been a decent and nice life with actions like these.


• This type of man also will deny any and all accounts of what he has done to abuse you. His major standing arguement is that "it's not his fault" if any other harm comes to you. Because he doesn't view what he does to you as "abusive." He has an inability to genuinely care about your well being. Additionally he has absolutely no remorse for what he does (primarily to protect his own survival.) Essentially in this arguement of his being faultless, "he denies any and all cause & effect relationship of his actions in your world."


• He will deplete you financially so that you are in one of the most undesireable positions financially to be able to leave. In one woman's case, over a 2 year period, this man took away her financial security in a matter of weeks. She had moved to Hawaii and only had a car rental, after that she was unable to secure her own transportation. Over the course of the time period, seeking attorney, and being denied because of the attorneys' fear of the man' background;- she is in a position where she has been stalked and nearly raped/mugged several times near her home. When she expresses this to him, in a desperate form of irrationality, he simply says that he doesn't need to care because it's not his fault. He confirms to her that he is simply abusing her, and/or simply does not care about her welfare. In a minor sense, when he says that he's taking you to lunch or dinner or something, it typically means over 90% of the time that he's going to pick you up and you woman is going to pay for it. He (ex/current Green Beret) tells you that he has no money because of his situation, despite other military men who have been investigate him a bit telling you that he has plenty of money and is abusing you for the sake of abusing you. Its also a known fact with other military people whom you live with despite being a civilian yourself. Additionally other military men have advised you to stay away from this person, and you do;- but he calls you or stops by. This man never adjusts his behavior towards you yet will tell you that he cares about you when you're upset. And, he has expressed his full intent to do this from the beginning that he would take your SSN and run you into the ground and that his last engagement/fiance/ girlfriend died in some unfortunate accident or suicide.

Mental & Emotional Torture

• This man mentally and emotionally totures this woman who he formed some bond with.In one woman's case, whose brother died, this man frequently told her that he would be her brother. To her, she was horrified, because he had often collected her personal information during their time together. He claimed to be helping her at first and got her resume, and as many professional details from her as possible. He went so far as to take several photos of the things in her apartment when he stopped by, and after the "sexual exploitation" period stopped, only stopped by her place with another larger man with him. As the abuse went on, he threatened her and told her about how he goes to other states and commits identity theft crimes. She began to realize that because he was only seen in her life for maybe a 1/2hr to 2hrs on any given day that he was simply monitoring her. And, even during the period when he would have sex with her that lasted for nearly 2 years, he never hugged her or kissed her. Even when she requested that he change his behavior because it made her uncomfortable with him in her life (early on) he complained about it. He also went on later to divulge to her his like for Korean bar girls, that he liked and made a promise to a teenage girl, and that his mother wouldn't approve of his being with her because she wasn't a sex worker.

About Self Defense for Women

This isn't directed against a particular group or individual. It is to communicate about taking self-defense courses.

NEVER and I mean NEVER tell a Martial arts or Self Defense instructor about your history as a victim. Even a seemingly well intentioned instructor will put everything including sex under "self-defense training." The bad ones are like the ultimate predators. They will ruin you financially and otherwise so you have no recourse against them. And, they will use any law enforcement ties to protect themselves. There was one even one Dojo who used to rape women to initiate them into their next rank. One of the belted woman managed to sue the NY dojo for such discriminatory assault practices.

Additionally, if you are a woman of Asian descent, be even more careful because they will use your cultural background against you doubly. Because of some Asian gift-giving they will take everything from you even without your offering, your approval, or your consent. I have had this happen to me several times with an instructor. Everything from threats to "what's in the dojo stays in the dojo."
And then there is the perception that by paying your instructor the "fee" he asks will ease things.
Once you pay their fee they know they can get more out of you by hurting you extra in class if you don't comply with their outside wishes. Someone needs to define where the civilian instructor's position ends and his being a regular civilian begins legally. Remember, any men in the class are an extension of his ego as an instructor. He will rarely repromand the male students for any ill remarks or sexist behavior especially when trying to retain students in 'this economy."
Additional signs of being of women being abused by an instructor (I have seen over a 10 yr. period) include; women who actually commited suicide, women who turn into cutters (people who cut themselves to ease their pain) around the instructor, women who are frequently told to shut up when trying to voice a reasonable complaint or repromanded for "trying to cause drama".
Lets face it, many women go to safety courses to learn to defend themselves; not to walk into a roomful of ill mannered thugs.