Last things to do with my music

Aside from Google, Facebook, and other Website providers making it nearly impossible for me to monetize or even gain employment online;- due to algorithms they designed to snuff out my life as a form of cybertorture... I'm at the end of my financial and career rope from the USA.  

The song project and making my own CD;-still hasn't happened. (list is at the bottom)  A lot of people criticize me, that is Pro musicians- for turning down gigs of typical music. Since I had other concerns in life due to my Japanese family business relationships and expectations to build a family of our own in the USA;- I decided long ago-- in music college days that I wouldn't revisit my elementary school days and play normal classical. I sincerely believed that there are tons of players for those pieces, and I had gotten very weary of the racism and attacks from playing accessible 'white people's music as a nisei and Hapa.   And, that my time was better spent on the more difficult contemporary music, writing and improvising my own music (though primarily instrumental), and avoiding the racist environment of the Professional Classical world.

I've found solace in leaving my positive childhood memories with my music. In childhood, I played Bach WTC1&2, the Suites, etc., and collections of work for the composer's musical vocabulary. And due to the ease of social criticism, novices, and intermediate players seeking monetary gain through snide, racist, and degrading comments;- I refrain from entertaining people -- as if I'm an emotionless jukebox they are entitled to verbally punch. 

 The parents from 2000-2005 who left my studio or who I refused to teach were racist and disrespectful of me- always claiming that 'my race' isn't a good role model for their white or African-American kids. This led me to near suicide in 2005, and an old partier friend introduced me to a 'life coach' who was/is an ON Broadway director at about $300/hr who coached me through the end of the school year so I could gracefully leave the 80person piano studio I had built up. It was a studio under the control of a Metropolitan Opera choral coach who moved to Bucks County. I took the teaching position after locals walked off with their students. But I was unaware of the situation, being fresh out of college and starved for a positive work experience after temping for 1 year in Florida after CIA/Feds dragged me there. The political scene was heavy and involved Japanese relatives calling to alert me to the US-JP security agreement breach by the Intel Community. So, the strained circumstances that left me stranded in Florida were part of a CIA false flag operation against Japan prior to 9-11. 

  I had over 400 parents to answer to, and they nearly killed me. Without health insurance- I paid for that out of pocket. That's what intense racism did to me after 9/11 over a 5 year period.  My last remaining dream, until 9/11 happened, was to go to the Pro Piano Competition. But, it got shut down. My old studio mate who was also an international judge;- for my crushed heart to show up at Bartok-Kabelevsky in 2001. But I knew I wasn't ready since I looked at the program in December 2000 and read through it. And then after several phone calls and unrelated rehearsal times, I went back to my Alma mater to practice up for it in 4 days before driving from Upstate NY to Virginia.

If I were an Ice Skater (which I'm not- only putting on skates 1x in my life for concern of a broken wrist or arm) it would be easier to understand. Why practice triple salchows all the time?  

 People knew I had trickled through lessons in my childhood from one of Eleanor Sokoloff's adult performing students who were a world-renowned Organist during my grade school years till early high school.  Honestly, I had a lot of artistic freedom and worked on my own a lot. Though I diverged with my own programs I learned alongside the 'prescribed' programs. And especially after I was told that they didn't like the politics of my Japanese family and my being American. So I was ASKED not to audition so the E. Nakajima could go through to Gary Graffman. She apparently wasn't an American-as I learned after many Japanese left the USA due to 9/11-- but as a kid, I didn't understand. I simply understood that these people wanted something more than a performer and my parents weren't good enough people. In adulthood, I learned the racist past of the Curtis Institute.  

There are those of us who are born mixed-race, and those of us also born to 2 different nations or more. Yet those who aren't actually mixed-race, and who don't actually live through life with our perspectives- they prey on our perspectives and sell it off easily as THEIR unique progressive perspective. Most of us know, our own parents don't understand our struggles. And we need each other to feel more understood.

The intensity of international intelligence of the classical music world really was made clear to me during my lessons with Dr. Andor Kiszely, a Hungarian and former double agent during WWII. I had attracted his interest at an audition where I played my own program. That program I hid from my 'Sokoloff connected Piano-Organ teacher'. And Dr. Kiszely invited me to his studio. I was shy and awkward because I wasn't used to 'being allowed to be 'smart' around other children- in group music lessons and at school. The kids typically would but into my answers in classes or complain to their parents that I was ugly for being 'brown' or Japanese.  But,  Dr. Kiszely's studio was positive for me.

 Almost all of the children in his studio were Asian girls. Girls who liked my brother, who was also a skateboarder and athlete, and ignored me. I still felt inferior to everyone because I wasn't 'ALL Asian'. Basically, it sucked. Being haafu, hapa in a place where I had only met one other Loving Day family that was Asian-American and Japanese-American. It's a place where I was never pretty, and girls made fun of me for not having a race. That was the GenX I grew up with. And in adulthood- men take advantage of the fact that I'm isolated yet walk away because of the embarrassment that my mom is a Japanese immigrant with broken English. There were so many days when my mom tried to help me only to be told that we are 'genetic garbage' by the Boomer generation of white piano teachers and their communities. My mom disassociated from me early on. And went so far as to gain acceptance for abusing me to prove to these white women in Bucks County and Philadelphia that I'm nothing to her. And, publically. Needless to say- my brother took his own beatings from the community.  The hoity-toity USA crowd of immigrants, green card constituents, and foreigners only saw us perform - after the tidal wave of abuse that mostly I endured.

Due to my artistry, my parents;- sunk in their wallet for a Yamaha Grand.  They took my brother with them to pick it up while I was in school. His words to me before I saw it when I walked in the door were to the effect of;- I feel for you, I know what's going to happen (meaning more abuse from the community and also through my parents). I was also made fun of for not having a German or NY Steinway. Looking back, things were so very tragically toxic for me. I kept a calendar for the day I graduated and wouldn't have to return to Quakertown, PA, and Pennsylvania. There was a plan that I wasn't to remain in the USA after my college graduation. And should go to Japan. But the Intel community destroyed that, so I remain here living at the brink of destruction by these horrible Americans. The good ones- they are practically non-existent in my life outside of Hawaii. They can say a prayer or something. Or maybe be there one day in my life to brighten it a bit;- but my life path was set for annihilation by the US intelligence community. (please see other APEC USA update) 

 And, the Bucks County and Philadelphia MTNA (Music Teachers National Association) community got more abusive all the way to the end of H.S. While they took credit for my ability to play piano, I did not exist as a human being. It was as if I was the 'trained monkey or dog' in a laboratory where they trained this mongrel of a sad thing to be human. And it hurts to this day as the remaining Silent Gen, Boomers, and GenX who participated in that convo now have grandkids to bring up on their mental fodder.  I had to accompany the H.S. chorus and everyone was upset I was playing the Battle Hymn of the Republic after singing with madrigals for the Baccalaureate Ceremony of my graduating class. And I mean it upset nearly the entire high school- minus a few brave souls who weren't taunted and embarrassed out of being around me. Some of those people were two-faced white supremacists trying to drag me to a worse fate being accessible to their church-approved neo-Nazi skinhead parties. But these things are tough to see until you get a year or so into a friendship of  'play dates'. 

 Basically, as I attended Alateen in High School, I learned to call myself a scapegoat for my parents and take the blame for any shortcomings for the people around me. In high school, I even got detention because I was the mud who made the school bus late-- it wouldn't have been late if they didn't have to pick me up. That was the Quakertown, PA community where I grew up. And in 2021, I reported some of the more heinous acts of racism and human rights violations to the DOJ to no avail. The Anti-Asian hate crimes reporting system wasn't in place to save my brother's life as he entered adulthood. Nor was it there to save my sister's life. And essentially, they confirm and condone the hate crimes from my perspective. 

Though for solo piano lessons after the group class from Dr. Kiszely and old friend of Zoltan Kodály;- I lived for those lessons. I paid for them by teaching lessons. And I only taught enough lessons to earn the money for the $110/hr I needed to pay Dr. Kiszely each week. Back then I charged about $14 for a lesson. Fairly cheap compared to adult teachers who didn't perform at all. My little old car- since my mom didn't want to drive me, it was more humiliating to drive and park in the Mainline posh district than in the early 1990s where Porsche 911s were the standard vehicle. But I took on the humiliation as a 15year old who needed to polish up music for Music school auditions.

  Dr. Kisely got me to sound like Pollini playing my Ballades. My brother, he had the Polonaises. Yes- to compete we had to read through the entire book. Etudes, Preludes, Waltzed as part of practice daily. But had only 1 piece for the competition to polish. 

Things to go on it-- Right now, I only have 3 completed works. 1. live performance of Circus Blues; And a random smattering of ideas. This, believe it or not, is a lot more than what I'd thought I might have at this point. In music school, Alban Berg's work was a point of fascination. His entire catalog is on 1 CD. So, as a mixed-race Japanese-American genXer and product of a Silent Generation Loving Day marriage that wasn't accepted by the shitty Americans;- I think this is a lot of music. And the bulk of it was done in Hawaii.

1. maybe 1 or 2 classical pieces from my piano competition days & my Kabalevsky.Sonata- or Piazzola Grand Tango Excerpts and Leviev's Sonata with Violin recording. Things I want to do: A piece from the 2nd Viennese School for piano and voice.

2. Photo in my Mind: my original spiritual song 'with piano accompaniment recorded properly with multiple voices- group singing. And, write out a solo score for the solo version.

3. Rainbow Heaven: anon. mixed-folk song about liberating animals - needs instrumentals with 1. jig, 2. steeldrums

4. Circus Blues: A better recording of my "Circus Blues" piano solo background with improv created for the Wonder Circus show 2011/2012. - long project is a 32 -35 page midi score I made to refine. Will take a few weeks. 

5. Other songs? -- still wanting to write a CD. Though this situation I'm in doesn't lend itself to audible work. Without a workstation,  

Need- voice practice. And rehearsal space to do so more than a couple times a month. That's what adult life looks like these days. And- no piano students means no income. 

Hand of MK Ultra

The hand of MK Ultra, program us..

We have similar hands in the art of palm reading. Time to stop sharing otherwise.

Hyperacusis vs Super Hearing

USA question Summary:- Are they going to bring back the super hearing classification to market products because manufacturing claims need evidence that humans can perceive sound at a magnified" level? Is decibel perception and super-hearing equivalent?     

Will they re-classify those of us who were "mis-diagnosed" with hyperacusis due to elimination of "super hearing" classifications, so that we are no longer considered disabled in the current world?

In 1999, I was working in an electro-acoustic sound lab creating HF sound waves. With visions of John Zorn's HF warnings on my future music creations,  I was working on an independent animation that I never actually finished. I had already had a lifetime of refined classical piano performance training and was already sensitive to the oscillating of sound waves.

While working on a project sound wave that split 3 ways, I lost track of the upper HF wave. In need of inexplicable help, I was sent to The Sir Alexander Ewing Speech and Hearing Clinic, then one of the best  hearing clinics in the USA. 

The thing was, I became hypersensitive to the high frequency range and was hearing it clearly. However, my perception of the HF range was somewhere between 20% to 50% louder than normal.

The hearing specialist told me that they used to have something called "super hearing" prior to it being "reclassified" into a psychological disorder called Hyperacusis.
The difference being, that Hyperacusis was triggered by psychological sound events such as ambulences, Gunshots, etc. So, in anycase, I was considered Hearing disabled by the last semester of my Music Degree program. They said, it would go away in time, and if anything that aging would correct the issue. I was no longer allowed to wear headphones and the Music School invested in a couple of speakers in the $30k range accomodated my handicap so that I could complete the course. They also fitted me with a pair of rock-star custom earplugs to reduce the incoming HF waves. Total bill in the earplugs with fitting ran about $650 with insurance.

To describe what I went through for 3 years after the HF accident incident is somewhat painful and isolating. #1, I couldn't play most pianos because I could hear each wave distinctly and it began to sound like glasses being shattered on the ill kept instruments. At home, I couldn't stand the refridgerator frequency, it sounded like I was in a roomful of crickets even 10' away in the carpeted livingroom of my condo. When I went to shower, I cringed under the individual water drops hitting the bathtub basin. I decided it was interesting after the initial shock so, I'd hold my fingers over my ears and then take a breath and then listen. It was like seeing with my ears and completely mind-blowing.

Once in 2002 (I was  I sat in an audience of pianists and was the only one cringing and plugging my ears with my fingers during a beginning student duo. The children played on pianos positioned with matching hearts. The masterclass pianist from NZ, actually took note of my behavior over 20' away and made a mention that the pianos should not be placed that way because they give off a high frequency. Apparently, I was the only one in the room who noticed. The typical Orchestra concert pianist (which I am not, i only perform solo) has hearing loss from the decible level of  the Orchestra which also includes tinnitus.

Now it's been 15 years, and my ears are much more sensitive than most people around me. Changes in the airpressure around my ears bothers me to no end. It's not just the sound of the fan or AC that is grating to try and sleep to. Loud non-acoustic environments mentally exhaust me within 3hrs. I learned in 2001-2005 that I can't play on a keyboard (Clavinova) for much longer than 3hrs with speakers. My ears also strain in anticipation of a natural acoustic decay on "fake" acoustic sounds.

Listening to musical mistakes made by students are literally painful, as if someone jumped out and stabbed me with a knife. I'm listening along and know what I should approximately expect on the path and then the frequency is WAY OFF, not even in microtones. Because it is not a simple matter of being startled, my ears go into decible and frequency shock that takes me time to recover from. It is very different from the emotional disappointment of an enjoyable pianist making a mistake.
Going for a swim and putting my ears underwater is like having a magnifying lens. I can hear the seashells softened by the water yet trickling down the beach back to the ocean as the tide receeds. It's absolutely beautiful. And, on occasion above water, I can hear dolphins clicking in the distance.

It is very isolating. Random screams of children are so painful sometimes, I steer away from family shopping times. You'd be more likely to find me in a store on Senior Citizens discount day, simply for the quiet differences. Night Clubs generally have mediocre sound systems that have been overused and blown speakers. It turns into an awful environment for me quickly. I also had to forgo going to weekly or 1/2 a week of concerts and live music I was accustomed to for most of my life.

It's been 15 years since I was diagnosed with Hyper-acusis. And, It seems like they are bringing back the "super-hearing" idea in Hearing diagnosis. I read an article the other day on Super Hearing. Some of the reasoning is because they want to market devices so that they can prove humans can perceive sound in this way.

Sometimes, I think they should make the majority who have damaged hearing from years of headphones and bad music be the "disabled" and take away their Driver's licenses for not hearing enough. Just on the dual piano frequency being such a Classical Victorian era issue, I think my hearing may have been the old NORMAL a century before electronic music and speakers were invented. So, after months of listening to HF sound waves, it seems to me that I became sensitive to the frequency range. I think that by listening to HF waves, maybe my hearing mechanism triggered a way for the rest of my brain to adjust the auditory perception of decibles so that it became clear. I did not experience any hearing loss or tinnitus. 

15 years with nootropics

Nootropics use for me really started to take hold Back in 2001. I took massive handfuls of St.Johnswort+Valerian with Ginko Biloba. I drank plenty of the best coffee on the planet before going to teach beginning piano and getting ready for an international competition. Alltogether, I felt like I had more energy and focus. It didn't seem to really be an anti-depressive thing as my mood/drive was unaffected. I got a lecture from an old school mate that I didn't know what I was messing with and should take pharmaceuticals. I just gave him that, r u fn kidding me look.

I had been trying some other "water" from a local health food store. I discovered using Gold water back then. I also had my 1st and only bottle of whatever they called "Heavy Water" that was on the shelf ( not a nootropic), it was there so I had to try it. In hindsight, that heavy water appeared the same time the cobalt reactor irradiation plant appeared. I learned from my brother who they employed through a temp agency, that they kept the cobalt under the heavy water;- yet it didn't prevent his skin from peeling off his body when they had him irradiate everything that got shipped through our American hometown. This happened to be about mile away from the health food store where I purchased the "Heavy Water."

Later, I switched to a full regimen of Ginko Biloba, that was when I had my studio "OkiGinko" in Clinton Hall 2007. 

I stopped taking any sort of nootropic stack in my daily routine shortly after I arrived for vacation in Hawaii 2009. Once in a while if I felt super stuck over the past 6 years, I'd fill up on Phiten's (red) gold water for a solid week and go meditate. Though I'd pick up the odd bottle of Ginko Biloba tincture, I really set it aside for a spell due to outside influences. 

In 2013 I was introduced to an essential oils company that promoted a vegan EO's supplement. I tried it for a short time before I decided it was too toxic. I never bought into internally taking frankincense EO's, since I learned elsewhere, that it is toxic to the body. The EO's supplement also made my brain feel itchy in a bad way. I was grateful to ditch the supplement and had unfinished bottles. Actually I got 2 years of nasty hate mail from that company since they were trying to illegally take away my constitutional right of free speech & press, even at distributor status. Evil company to me and always will be.

In 2014 I got sick with toxic mold and was introduced to Liv International for another major dietary shift and a different alkaline supplement. They presented their new nootropic supplement that they named "Smart". I even had the opportunity to listen to the formulator explain the reasoning behind this supplement. A main ingredient is tumeric. I tried the promotional supplement for a few months, though I really didn't notice much difference as it seemed to be intended to prevent Alzheimer's and protect the brain from old age. I had started juicing and having regular green juice with juiced turmeric after trying this supplement. So, I dropped the supplement.

 I also tried the Schumann frequency pad for some healing, but I got irritated with the electricity frequency. The last semester I was in music school I was declared "hearing disabled". This was due to my sensitivity or acute hearing awareness of the high frequency range. So, I tried a flotation tank for some quiet. There's only one on island open to the public and it seems to be overused and needed thorough cleaning. 

Today, being stuck in the Hawaii social and financial rut I was hurled into by the "high end" locals;- I received my first bottle of a so called "limitless type nootropic." I'm still doing meditation as well. Will see how it goes. Most of the ingredients in this one will at very least serve as a mosquito deterrent;- increasing my vitamin B levels. I learned Vitamin C, niacin, & Thaimine also add to overall carbon levels to deter mosquitos out here in Hawaii. Just a thought.