Last things to do with my music

Aside from Google, Facebook, and other Website providers making it nearly impossible for me to monetize or even gain employment online;- due to algorithms they designed to snuff out my life as a form of cybertorture... I'm at the end of my financial and career rope from the USA.  

The song project and making my own CD;-still hasn't happened. (list is at the bottom)  A lot of people criticize me, that is Pro musicians- for turning down gigs of typical music. Since I had other concerns in life due to my Japanese family business relationships and expectations to build a family of our own in the USA;- I decided long ago-- in music college days that I wouldn't revisit my elementary school days and play normal classical. I sincerely believed that there are tons of players for those pieces, and I had gotten very weary of the racism and attacks from playing accessible 'white people's music as a nisei and Hapa.   And, that my time was better spent on the more difficult contemporary music, writing and improvising my own music (though primarily instrumental), and avoiding the racist environment of the Professional Classical world.

I've found solace in leaving my positive childhood memories with my music. In childhood, I played Bach WTC1&2, the Suites, etc., and collections of work for the composer's musical vocabulary. And due to the ease of social criticism, novices, and intermediate players seeking monetary gain through snide, racist, and degrading comments;- I refrain from entertaining people -- as if I'm an emotionless jukebox they are entitled to verbally punch. 

 The parents from 2000-2005 who left my studio or who I refused to teach were racist and disrespectful of me- always claiming that 'my race' isn't a good role model for their white or African-American kids. This led me to near suicide in 2005, and an old partier friend introduced me to a 'life coach' who was/is an ON Broadway director at about $300/hr who coached me through the end of the school year so I could gracefully leave the 80person piano studio I had built up. It was a studio under the control of a Metropolitan Opera choral coach who moved to Bucks County. I took the teaching position after locals walked off with their students. But I was unaware of the situation, being fresh out of college and starved for a positive work experience after temping for 1 year in Florida after CIA/Feds dragged me there. The political scene was heavy and involved Japanese relatives calling to alert me to the US-JP security agreement breach by the Intel Community. So, the strained circumstances that left me stranded in Florida were part of a CIA false flag operation against Japan prior to 9-11. 

  I had over 400 parents to answer to, and they nearly killed me. Without health insurance- I paid for that out of pocket. That's what intense racism did to me after 9/11 over a 5 year period.  My last remaining dream, until 9/11 happened, was to go to the Pro Piano Competition. But, it got shut down. My old studio mate who was also an international judge;- for my crushed heart to show up at Bartok-Kabelevsky in 2001. But I knew I wasn't ready since I looked at the program in December 2000 and read through it. And then after several phone calls and unrelated rehearsal times, I went back to my Alma mater to practice up for it in 4 days before driving from Upstate NY to Virginia.

If I were an Ice Skater (which I'm not- only putting on skates 1x in my life for concern of a broken wrist or arm) it would be easier to understand. Why practice triple salchows all the time?  

 People knew I had trickled through lessons in my childhood from one of Eleanor Sokoloff's adult performing students who were a world-renowned Organist during my grade school years till early high school.  Honestly, I had a lot of artistic freedom and worked on my own a lot. Though I diverged with my own programs I learned alongside the 'prescribed' programs. And especially after I was told that they didn't like the politics of my Japanese family and my being American. So I was ASKED not to audition so the E. Nakajima could go through to Gary Graffman. She apparently wasn't an American-as I learned after many Japanese left the USA due to 9/11-- but as a kid, I didn't understand. I simply understood that these people wanted something more than a performer and my parents weren't good enough people. In adulthood, I learned the racist past of the Curtis Institute.  

There are those of us who are born mixed-race, and those of us also born to 2 different nations or more. Yet those who aren't actually mixed-race, and who don't actually live through life with our perspectives- they prey on our perspectives and sell it off easily as THEIR unique progressive perspective. Most of us know, our own parents don't understand our struggles. And we need each other to feel more understood.

The intensity of international intelligence of the classical music world really was made clear to me during my lessons with Dr. Andor Kiszely, a Hungarian and former double agent during WWII. I had attracted his interest at an audition where I played my own program. That program I hid from my 'Sokoloff connected Piano-Organ teacher'. And Dr. Kiszely invited me to his studio. I was shy and awkward because I wasn't used to 'being allowed to be 'smart' around other children- in group music lessons and at school. The kids typically would but into my answers in classes or complain to their parents that I was ugly for being 'brown' or Japanese.  But,  Dr. Kiszely's studio was positive for me.

 Almost all of the children in his studio were Asian girls. Girls who liked my brother, who was also a skateboarder and athlete, and ignored me. I still felt inferior to everyone because I wasn't 'ALL Asian'. Basically, it sucked. Being haafu, hapa in a place where I had only met one other Loving Day family that was Asian-American and Japanese-American. It's a place where I was never pretty, and girls made fun of me for not having a race. That was the GenX I grew up with. And in adulthood- men take advantage of the fact that I'm isolated yet walk away because of the embarrassment that my mom is a Japanese immigrant with broken English. There were so many days when my mom tried to help me only to be told that we are 'genetic garbage' by the Boomer generation of white piano teachers and their communities. My mom disassociated from me early on. And went so far as to gain acceptance for abusing me to prove to these white women in Bucks County and Philadelphia that I'm nothing to her. And, publically. Needless to say- my brother took his own beatings from the community.  The hoity-toity USA crowd of immigrants, green card constituents, and foreigners only saw us perform - after the tidal wave of abuse that mostly I endured.

Due to my artistry, my parents;- sunk in their wallet for a Yamaha Grand.  They took my brother with them to pick it up while I was in school. His words to me before I saw it when I walked in the door were to the effect of;- I feel for you, I know what's going to happen (meaning more abuse from the community and also through my parents). I was also made fun of for not having a German or NY Steinway. Looking back, things were so very tragically toxic for me. I kept a calendar for the day I graduated and wouldn't have to return to Quakertown, PA, and Pennsylvania. There was a plan that I wasn't to remain in the USA after my college graduation. And should go to Japan. But the Intel community destroyed that, so I remain here living at the brink of destruction by these horrible Americans. The good ones- they are practically non-existent in my life outside of Hawaii. They can say a prayer or something. Or maybe be there one day in my life to brighten it a bit;- but my life path was set for annihilation by the US intelligence community. (please see other APEC USA update) 

 And, the Bucks County and Philadelphia MTNA (Music Teachers National Association) community got more abusive all the way to the end of H.S. While they took credit for my ability to play piano, I did not exist as a human being. It was as if I was the 'trained monkey or dog' in a laboratory where they trained this mongrel of a sad thing to be human. And it hurts to this day as the remaining Silent Gen, Boomers, and GenX who participated in that convo now have grandkids to bring up on their mental fodder.  I had to accompany the H.S. chorus and everyone was upset I was playing the Battle Hymn of the Republic after singing with madrigals for the Baccalaureate Ceremony of my graduating class. And I mean it upset nearly the entire high school- minus a few brave souls who weren't taunted and embarrassed out of being around me. Some of those people were two-faced white supremacists trying to drag me to a worse fate being accessible to their church-approved neo-Nazi skinhead parties. But these things are tough to see until you get a year or so into a friendship of  'play dates'. 

 Basically, as I attended Alateen in High School, I learned to call myself a scapegoat for my parents and take the blame for any shortcomings for the people around me. In high school, I even got detention because I was the mud who made the school bus late-- it wouldn't have been late if they didn't have to pick me up. That was the Quakertown, PA community where I grew up. And in 2021, I reported some of the more heinous acts of racism and human rights violations to the DOJ to no avail. The Anti-Asian hate crimes reporting system wasn't in place to save my brother's life as he entered adulthood. Nor was it there to save my sister's life. And essentially, they confirm and condone the hate crimes from my perspective. 

Though for solo piano lessons after the group class from Dr. Kiszely and old friend of Zoltan Kodály;- I lived for those lessons. I paid for them by teaching lessons. And I only taught enough lessons to earn the money for the $110/hr I needed to pay Dr. Kiszely each week. Back then I charged about $14 for a lesson. Fairly cheap compared to adult teachers who didn't perform at all. My little old car- since my mom didn't want to drive me, it was more humiliating to drive and park in the Mainline posh district than in the early 1990s where Porsche 911s were the standard vehicle. But I took on the humiliation as a 15year old who needed to polish up music for Music school auditions.

  Dr. Kisely got me to sound like Pollini playing my Ballades. My brother, he had the Polonaises. Yes- to compete we had to read through the entire book. Etudes, Preludes, Waltzed as part of practice daily. But had only 1 piece for the competition to polish. 

Things to go on it-- Right now, I only have 3 completed works. 1. live performance of Circus Blues; And a random smattering of ideas. This, believe it or not, is a lot more than what I'd thought I might have at this point. In music school, Alban Berg's work was a point of fascination. His entire catalog is on 1 CD. So, as a mixed-race Japanese-American genXer and product of a Silent Generation Loving Day marriage that wasn't accepted by the shitty Americans;- I think this is a lot of music. And the bulk of it was done in Hawaii.

1. maybe 1 or 2 classical pieces from my piano competition days & my Kabalevsky.Sonata- or Piazzola Grand Tango Excerpts and Leviev's Sonata with Violin recording. Things I want to do: A piece from the 2nd Viennese School for piano and voice.

2. Photo in my Mind: my original spiritual song 'with piano accompaniment recorded properly with multiple voices- group singing. And, write out a solo score for the solo version.

3. Rainbow Heaven: anon. mixed-folk song about liberating animals - needs instrumentals with 1. jig, 2. steeldrums

4. Circus Blues: A better recording of my "Circus Blues" piano solo background with improv created for the Wonder Circus show 2011/2012. - long project is a 32 -35 page midi score I made to refine. Will take a few weeks. 

5. Other songs? -- still wanting to write a CD. Though this situation I'm in doesn't lend itself to audible work. Without a workstation,  

Need- voice practice. And rehearsal space to do so more than a couple times a month. That's what adult life looks like these days. And- no piano students means no income. 

Reflections

I gave it, the USA, more than 5 years of my life since the tragic TPP was turned up and trade changed. I'm now on year 11 and nothing has improved since 9-11 an aftermath of the persecution that ended my brother's life. That is 11 years of my life entirely destabilized by local officials, police, community members, and random others. And with tears running out of my eyes, I realize my closest friends and best support is from a lot of the 1st generation American and Green Card crowd. I can count the number of US friends I may still have on 1 hand. Though, even that has nearly vanished in the past 2 years. 

So, this morning;- alot of emotions have unballed from the past 22 years or so since this blog began. Imagine not crying for the past 6 years. And hoping that things would turn around for the better. Not talking about the photos of happy times I was riding out before Trump and this pandemic happened. I'm talking about the international cry to call out the long China-USA operation. 

Remember, I'm Japanese-American nisei. The US Intel community pulled the 'hardball' stops out on me and my family before I became an informed toddler. This is that type of writing that helps me think through my life, knowing I have had almost no privacy for the better part of the past 15 years or so. And I mean zero privacy. So little privacy it's enough to break me into nothingness. And I've been on that edge too many times. 

I gave it my best try. I gave the USA my best try, And it rejected me in many ways, most of those ways being financial. People want high-end favors of putting a word in with my family in Japan for their businesses while I literally have lived on the brink of annihilation. Seriously, people, I'm not 'big sister' that way though I may have had to take fill the empty 'expendable' family member shoes attached to some International agreement. But no one here in the USA, no person, no employer, no one has made it possible for me to even live a modest life for more than 2 years. And since I'm formally and/or informally blacklisted from employment -- largely due to the corruption of my father's attorney and the other local state actors trying to extort 'legit' foreign money from Japan through me-- I'm done here in the USA. 100%. My soul, is wiped. I stayed knowing I wouldn't have financial support for 11 years. And I have $-600 remaining due to AT&T assisting perpetrators to target me in person and strand me. But my soul,  It's wiped clean of trust and faith in everyone around me. 

You don't know my story, my business coaching as a kid for this gnarly trade bs. The long story short is that the USA essentially killed all of us, my Japanese mom's kids in the name of tit-for-tat international business fodder. If I disrespect the USA, it's because of the horrendous treatment I've been forced to sift through in some focked hope of the CIA scripting its next movie to share with Chinese moguls to laugh at the stupidity of my mother coming to America and trying to have a family. No, with one of the world's elite boarding schools nearby- I can attest that these CIA & Small cap scum got whoever they could to hit us repeatedly. Damaged cars, etc. And my affidavit summary, barely scrapes the surface of how much these shitty Americans and their IRA and UK and KKK followers navigated with impunity. But---BUH_T -- BIDEN is pro China to the tune of being another massive hellacious ordeal for me at the cyber and street level. These people have opped every single work situation I have had so I cannot have any financial stability. And then, I also have to attempt to protect myself physically from men and women who don't back off me ever. 

Hawaii, is full of shitheads outside of a couple places. So that didn't help me overcome the outright torture and hate crimes from the well-to-do Doylestown area Bucks County community teaching their youth how to destroy us. That is essentially what they did in 2004-2005. They are a community of racists.  And being female- the housewives who need diva time- are an absolute nightmare. I kept thinking about the time I took on a PeopleLink Teacher Guide role for Doylestown - (so that none of the kids would get dumped on me anyway because people in the area don't like Asian people that much). Long story short, my micro-business to teach ESL was claimed by one of the host family's mom's and printed as her project in the paper where she was connected. But the locals don't call that racism--or hate crimes-- blatantly destroying my finances and work/ aka small business. And they're still at it in 2001 - except using other Asian minorities to literally make grave mistakes about my  USnationality-- no apologies. Truly meant as a snide power trip against me. And, remember these people kill- they kill as group community abuse while bringing in useful outsiders to assist them. 

And I'm well beyond the point of tolerating the racist, condescending, and generally increasingly toxic attitudes that are directed at me for being me, Japanese-American. It's bi-partisan walls crushing down around me another year. And, given the seriousness of my having to walk into APEC USA without my brother, without a small family startup for us 1st generation Japanese-Americans;- aside from the traumatic events leading up to the farce of a trade summit... Only a few old college friends may have even gleaned the severity of what was going on around me each time I left for respite and recovery from attacks in Pennsylvania to upstate NY.  

Some days the value of reflection on my life here on the mainland USA after 9/11 seems reckless. But it's not easy to leave behind the little that I do have, especially after relocating from Hawaii. The USA is a nightmare and has been a nightmare that I grew up in. And I know what being treated better, kinder, with genuine inclusion is. But no-one in the USA helped me get on my feet. While a private military contractor forced me to stay in Hawaii 'to train me' .... and I lost my NY office due to not returning to NY after my vacation. There's not much I can do. Things are awful here on a personal/ family level.

I'm tying up the loose ends of that story 'BOOK ' the CIA scumbags wanted from me after torturing me and whisking me off to Baie FInn. But--  yeah, noting is a coincidence. Nothing. Every mo'fokin person is CIA, State Actor, or a personal 'lackey or servant' friend to the upper echelons. So, torture complaint it is... these people want to kill me, not simply sue me, for writing my affidavits. They were racketeering 100%, and my life... needs to find a new nation.  Though I researched asylum applications since I was, 'passed around' as they say in intelligence community terms. 

And the men and women have UGLY personalities. Maybe that's why I loved and tolerated Hawaii, and miss the people. It may not be the European elite that is suffocating and definitely not my culture. But I had safety in Hawaii- enough, for 9 years. And the cultural acceptance of Japanese was there. But the Japanese politics was also there-- and not understanding of the USA stemming from Philly and NY and DC. 

--- too personal out in public-- But there's no privacy anyway and tlike I said-- the men and women here think of me as an ungrateful scumbag. I can't get over the broken arm I got from being attacked after scanning a letter of evidence of US embezzlement. That's how much privac I have. That the Fusion center local planning commission or police watch every key strokw and are using RF to communicate.

2022 more affidavits? or International?

 Since I have already sent out a short 20-page summary affidavit of the torture complaint;- 

The longer version of the international affidavit is still a work in progress involving many months and hours of kafkaesque bureaucratic forms and the process of forms.  While most people have retaliated on me for expressing the creation of such documents;- the perpetrators expressly are mostly Silent Generation and therefore most have passed. I was born to Generation X.  And the perpetrators in Bucks County mostly told me to my face in childhood that they would be long gone by the time I was able to tell anyone about it. So the point of issue for me with the rise of this International affidavit being advertised publically in social media- Is that it also seems like it was planned. How could something like this be planned by adults since I was a child? I know they contorted the laws, used their 'impressive clout' to posture false sovereign immunity, and help IRA and others. 

So, for me this hell they constructed around me is meant to destroy what life I have left, no matter what. 

These were obviously rotten evil people to me. And Since I was isolated from any positive role models or influence, and other Loving Day families to have friends;-  things seem to fit this international affidavit and the larger torture framework.

 I feel that in the Classical music scene in America, both education and performance is heavily inundated with racists. Many of them are white supremacists defending what they call their culture. They also shamelessly and simultaneously exploit non-white minorities and immigrants for money.

 I experienced this as a Japanese nisei and haafu growing up in Pennsylvania. '

As a student and as a teacher, I feel that the  MTNA system is really horrid-- due to the white piano teacher who profited off of having us Japanese people in their studio. At the same time, the instructor made very racist comments at me and even instructed my mother to "beat me over the head" because it worked on Beethoven. That lesson led to years of horror for me and extreme corporal punishments that this teacher instructed my mother to do to me. In Pennsylvania, this was allowed by her attorneys since corporal punishment was allowed. I was likened to a monkey and compared to a dog being trained since I was subhuman to the instructor. I hate this person to this day for the horrific abuses I endured. My affidavit with be forthcoming on the MTNA and PMTA and LVMTA from my childhood experiences. And, as an attachment to my torture complaint.

And, in addition to their group class racism that followed me to school recess.  The teacher made sure that the other parents felt comfortable that I was treated badly since the other children complained that they had to be near me at all during the group classes. I spent 5 years in her piano studio like this. From 1st grade. And, I had to teach myself how to play- since they were only there to belittle me. This instructor called what she taught in the 80s Hybrid Suzuki method because she really hated us for being Japanese. 

 My lessons were not much different than my home practice. It was an awful early 80s Suzuki piano experience. But the instructor built her studio off the racial chaos that became deadly as the community had outward youth fights of skinheads vs. non-skinheads many Friday nights for a decade. That instructor;- was never held responsible for her actions. And  I was left to fend for myself to both adults and children for the duration of my high school years in Quakertown, PA. 

The police in Bucks County merely watched the parking lot fights for decades and never made arrests. 

I only caught glimpses of a few of the fights as a high schooler. But I heard the stories. So it is no wonder that I have a torture complaint and so much trauma to overcome by making international and other communications about the horrible people of Bucks County, PA. 

Post APEC USA update 2022

 Today, in 2022;- Things have 'gone through'.

My APEC USA attendance was to show face from the USA side. Though the aftermath has included 6 years of being mostly unemployed, contaminated with bio-toxin/ nanotech and toxic mold, and sleeping on couches to do the legal research to make a torture complaint. 

So, the long story short is that this was about the USA and Lockheed and Martin making a sale of "Lockheed F-35s" to Japan. I had been informed about some Plane antique shopping after my brother passed in 2005. Had the USA state actors not intentionally sabotaged his life before his H.S. graduation;- we would have had a small family company connected to our relatives in Japan.  The planes sale involved one of my Aunts and Uncles who were also involved in Japan-China war negotiations near the turn of the millenia. My father (who is hated) has a team of shitheads who harass me when he gets my information. Then, he prevented my mother from having a normal life. So, it's a hopeless loophole for them to track me down and destroy my life.

But, to this day- NOONE and I do mean from the Green Berets down to Navy Seals and Rangers all the way to the H.S. principles and our Church pastor cared about our well being. In 2016 I came across the NSA and a German stop007 activist who is now married to former NSA Director Bill Binney. And I've taken the time, with many tears, bouts of depression, and hundreds of hours of research to get a handle on the extensive damage by USA state actors that fits into their framework. 

Though I personally was and never have been pro war or pro weapon;- the State Actors and Others did not care. That is why I am no longer employed and also blacklisted from any respectable career. In addition to the disruption of my MSM in 2004. I was the last game piece alive after my brother was "suicided" by local Pennsylvania officials and their extended 'family' in 2005. 

Those who knew me in Hawaii knew I knew a couple of USA snipers. Not a big deal, but most people in my life are not and were not there because they genuinely care about me. It's difficult for me to discern who is who. But the fact remains that I am not doing well at all anymore with events of the past 4 years and the sharp turn in Anti-Asian sentiment.

2021 Anti-Asian Hate Crimes Reporting Update

January 2022: I came to conclude that the RICO ACT laws set into effect were supplemented with early FISA 1978 surveillance abuse and torture from US State Actors. And were circumvented with impunity under the DOD 5240.1R manual for human testing and surveillance procedures. And, From my perspective, this is serious conflicting interest.  

In 2021 something new and 'sort of' exciting happened. The USA's corrupt Department of Justice opened up the Anti-Asian Hate Crimes portal on their website. It was intended to give Asian-Americans a way to report hate crimes in our communities. So, excited to see how it worked;- I took several incidents and slammed through reporting decades-old 'hate crimes' that involved several elements and single incidents that make up part of my torture complaint.  

From September 2021 to December 2021:  I reported 24+ DOJ Anti-Asian Hate crimes complaints that involved abduction, bodily harm, pedophilia, and other heinous acts from 1970-2021 that were generally dismissed as non-hate crimes by the Department of Justice. 

I didn't expect much but took the opportunity to obtain Federal report numbers which I didn't have in 2019 while working on my torture complaint research. The DOJ overall dismissed all of the incidents I reported with letters either suggesting I obtain an attorney, reporting it to another agency where the term limit is up, or summarizing a letter with laws that may have pertained if they actually would have considered it a hate crime-- in other words a dead end. 

But, it's slightly more than nothing after I revisited a lifetime of trauma, abductions, death, and outright persecution here in Pennsylvania and NY. It's nothing to the DOJ or the DeepState for that matter. After all, they win. And I didn't even report the firing squad I was subject to in Hawaii that US military called an "incident" that I walked into as I arrived for the public meeting time I attended at ABAC for Shipping.

I'm the niece to Japanese foreign officials who the USA government sought to manipulate. And, to add further pain to my 4 years of legal research;- the DOD 5240.1 R , several conspiracy laws, in addition to the current pandemic have emerged in the past 2 months. 

Photo in my Mind; Journal thoughts

My own song composition was recorded on an old Edirol R-09 handheld recorder sitting on a table about 8 feet away. Yeah, I knew how to record classical piano students decades ago for auditions- yet can't do the same for myself today. (unedited- low quality) and 1st time recording after writing, singing, and playing a vocal song. It's strange to look back and note how it was never part of my formal music training through many years of private lessons with world-class performers and teachers and an undergraduate degree from a notable music college. The last time I gave a solo classical type singing performance was in the 90s for a choral teaching class. That is outside of the hypercompetitive karaoke bars where I once worked and sang Clocks once in a long while.

 

There aren't too many if any opportunities for this hapa, nisei in the USA ... and sadly- I view the USA music education & performing world as a big CIA Deepstate operation.

 I eeked through the singing AND playing with a little more comfort-- though it's still cringy jumping up to the G5 range back to B3. It was meant for group singing;- IOW a chorus I don't have. 

I'm ok with it because this blog is about as far as it will probably go. I know I don't have vocal superstar abilities- I simply wanted a handful of lessons from a teacher and had to wait till I was attending an international trade summit in my 30s to 'improve my English as a well-tanned hapa' who was attacked frequently by European white supremacists. I took myself out the game, finally. After all those who coached me to stay in the game. It means there's nothing left for me here in the USA. No home, no kids, no family after my parents pass, no one and nothing. Probably not even my surfboard. 

 I am again without any support to make a better recording or have rehearsal space where I can rehearse safely and without interruption. A lot, if not too many people have taken the "fun" out of the music-sharing for me.  I think it's ridiculous how most Americans are with their Anti-Asian and Anti-Japanese hatreds. And, looking down on me always for being the mixed-race daughter of a Japanese immigrant. That is, while I know full well my Japanese relatives own a dedicated Rock Studio in Tokyo. The USA has been a nightmare for me. They ripped apart my family here. And if you've read this blog;- who would;- You'd know that hits on business families have been ongoing for decades with the USA as the USA targeted foreign succession. This goes back in my life;- to the 80s when I was in elementary school.  But, I got this far with what little I have in the USA. And, I do mean little. These people take everything, including life. But, that story is in a growing international affidavit I'm putting together. It's my side of the story, not the DoD's justified Surveillance procedures of slandering and defaming people while running surveillance scams with numerous gang stalkers to affect foreign trade (see DoD 5240.1R 1982).  

The handful of lessons I had amounted to 10 years of intermittent car warmups, concealed vocal exercises, and speaking on the pitch for most things. This composition, is probably the only completed song I have. In 2020-2021, I was severely traumatized by Anti-Asian attacks and death threats;- so despite writing this in 2021- It was like I was learning to speak again after being hit so hard with extreme hate and violence. My soul was in a deep recess of my heart and I mentally shut down. Though I still did Einstillen daily, when I saw Bruno's photo I could only recall photos of the Holocaust. Yet I pulled through writing this song, and struggled to pick myself up to rehearse it. Never before had I such an intense and lengthy "Regelungen"as it is called. 

My last studio in Hawaii;- I  practically gave away my recording equipment-- an unused ribbon mic, a couple lightly used condensers, mixing board etc. and as usual- don't have enough support here in Pennsylvania my home state. It's still vehemently racist and anti-Asian here. They are incapable of handling the Hapa mindset or shall i say heart. In every way I lack support to replace it or even replace my old computer at this time and support myself.  I've come to appreciate Hawaii deep in my heart for supporting me and making sure I had what I needed, included me in good-hearted friendship, and watched out for my safety. 

The stark contrast is the Mainland USA where I was raised, and how it worsened in the 10 years I was away. Every day I pray, say Buddhist mantra, and do Einstillen;- I am grateful to be in the good health that I'm in. Yet I yearn for better in every aspect of life. 

Nano-tech polymersome

 

Darkfield Microscopy- Live blood (7000nm-1000nm cells)  of Angela "Kikuchi" Kneale
copyright 2014
Bio-toxins
Finger-points to the area of 'black nano scatter' biotoxin
appx 480-520nm Cyan polymersome or nanosphere & disintegrated structure 

Definition by size: Nanoparticle- is on the nanoscale, Nano-tech 1-100nm

1. Nanosphere (aka Bead - possibly PMMA or PGLA) aka polymersome 

These beads are responsive to signals and/or temperature changes.

Some of these spheres have the potential to trigger additional cytotoxicity and unknown long-term effects. 

2/3- Possibly disintegrated nanospheres- or triggered beads that released contents.

4. Red Blood cells - with hexagonal structural changes - indicate my blood's ability to adapt to recruit oxygen and/or to maximize surface area for efficient signals conductivity - note closest to the crystal and bio-toxins.

5. Crystal appx 30000nm- attributed to Uric Acid created due to bio-toxins. Unlikely it is a Nano Chip due to lack of luminosity. However, there is a black nanostructure within it that appears to be similar to known patented nano-chip circuitry.

Finally, a drafted script/story

This past week, I meditated on my writing abilities. 

And, finally, I have a draft of my sci-fi psychodrama. Surprised by the patience and focus I had to write 10 pages of story, setting, characters, and some dialogue before stopping. 

Amazingly, my drive brought up an old 2018 attempt at making a script in Hawaii while embattled with surveillance virus issues on my auto word. I had been prodded to try writing or something to get out of the bar scene crowd by a customer (a film director) who worked on Hollywood films in Hawaii. That was before I got a call about a family situation on the mainland, and left Hawaii not knowing what my future would be. If I would return to Hawaii, or take the solo role to be my elderly parents' support team. My 3-year plan was also financially stunted by the pandemic.

 This is what I need to learn to try, simply to attempt a part-time job career change. But in 2021, that career change looks bleak. For some reason, I forgot that I "registered" my 1st 12 pages of bad scriptwriting -- only to see if I could use the online process. With ill-fated confidence for the virus-ridden and badly structured screenplay dialogue- I plunged it through to the registry.  Laughing at utter humiliation and embarrassment, I read through that old script this week. Noting EVERY SINGLE mistake and confusion in the scenes.

This wasn't like my freshman year at my alma mater as a Music major living with a Communications major and filming her 1st student film project almost entirely in our dorm room with a view. I being the main actor in her film-- that I've still never seen to this day. And it definitely wasn't my first independent computer stylus - hand-drawn (hand painted computer) animation that took dozens of sleepless days to render on a Power-Mac. That senior year rando computer art project I entitled "In the Blue" lasted a whopping few seconds as a naked blue woman emerged from a black box as college TV channel aired seconds of the classes projects. The 1st production I named under "Green Ondine Productions" was blessed with a few weeks extension to finish it as a class project as I got private access to my boyfriends' brand new G3 he used to daytrade on when I wasn't working on the animation at our condo where we split rent. I was so grateful for the processing upgrade. My creative work ended that summer without a direction. And the work - oh yes, my first endeavors of full-color computer painting and rotoscoping drills-  is locked away on a VHS tape and zip disk somewhere. VHS? yes, on VHS. 

So, I'm still overwhelmed with the diversity and seriousness of the research I've done in 2019-2021. Another 3 full years wiped away. And, far away from the positive social crowd that lifts my mood; I can't even anticipate where my life will be headed in 2022.

This year 2021 was fairly unproductive: 

I wrote 1 song, some random other lyrics, several blogposts, and did research about my human rights case. And now, I can just eek out 1 draft of a script/ story. 

Because of the bad ones in the group

Several years have passed since I joined a German-based, international, healing community. And, I've stuck with it somewhat shamefully because I can practice on my own, and worked through decades of trauma from USA persecution and racism. Yet, it is German-based, and within it lurk people who have an intense hatred of me for being of mixed-race hapa, Asian, and Japanese descent. Though I joined the community in a diverse place- Hawaii. So the initial community was much more diverse and accepting. And only 1 serious incident of an older German (immigrant?) woman who attacked me in front of everyone because to her, I am a brown thing that she could not believe speaks English. Today, in 2021;- her outright behavior would be akin to a hate crime.  Yes, in a healing group. 

Today, I'm reflecting on that incident as 1 of 3 strikes in my personal safety manual. 

The 2nd strikeout in 2020, was surprisingly from an elderly Phillipino woman who, I was told to contact on the East Coast. When I contacted her and told her I came from Hawaii and am Japanese-American, she responded quickly with an outright statement of hatred from Japanese people. I smugly listened to her rant about her hatred of my background, blaming me and others of my kind for war issues long ago. This is what the Healing group of Bruno Groening Circle of Friends has in store for me.

Yesterday, was the 3rd strikeout as I clicked into the East Coast IGR. A place online where my full name and town location is posted in front of everyone. It makes me an easier target for racists in person. So, even though I thought things were positive- the community leader obviously stated that I was not being positive when I began to tell of my healing from SRA. A lengthy process that started before I left Hawaii and asked to heal from it. The Community leader immediately interjected that I was not being positive. I had only wanted to report that I was through my 3+year regelungen since I made the request, and had had a successful meeting about writing a co-authored book with another person.  

It seems consistent with some of the Circle of Friends that they wish harm on me, thus my healing is a negative thing. It's not the first time since I've had to try and work with the Success Report Writer main editor whose personal politics do not agree with me, and whose voice is very rude in how she talks about immigrants because she helps them. Among other things, I am the daughter of at least one Japanese foreigner who naturalized to the USA and my US State Actor father. 

Their tone is rude. And instead of the group implementing some type of diversity training for the USA leaders;- I am told to do "Einstillen" for the issue. I am writing this article and posting privately, in the event that a Neo-Nazi or another Anti-Japanese person hands out my personal information or takes it upon themselves to harm me further. 

And, in the hindsight of this group potentially being a Bundestag run front;- I am still uncertain. The trauma-based mind control may be as simple as the image of a Nazi-run Germany. And my unworthiness in being able to secure much in life without God. Though I've managed to write my way through real hate crimes I've survived, I feel that the scrutiny and judgment of some of the leaders are harmful to me. So, again, it's my time that is wasted and my being used as the persecutory example in front of the group. I'm in my mid 40's. This is unacceptable. Yet I post here since I will be told to do Einstillen for it. And I have done Einstillen for the group to be cleansed of its outright hatreds. 

That wasn't what I signed up for. And, like other groups;- it only takes one bad person to do harm to me to end my life. I am grateful for my life and those who helped me survive many many attempts on my life, and to God. Though I don't see safety in this group for me. I cannot martyr myself so that I have peaceable healing since I am criticized for belonging to this and any religious institution that Americans disapprove of. Including Americanized forms of Buddhism.

Roasted Yellow Peppers

 There was a surplus of Yellow Peppers as ripe as they could be from 2 cases. 

So today I made some roasted Yellow peppers, brushed with olive oil and doused with a small amount of pepper, fresh basil, and dry basil. Saved a few to have with chili pepper. And, broiled them on the bottom rack until some were slightly brown. They are so sweet and tasty with a small amount of Jasmine rice and shoyu for dinner. This should be plenty for the week. The other peppers are sliced and ready to dip in hummus along with some cucumbers. Bounty of Summer.

My digital underpainting blocked

Yesterday my digital underpainting - acrylic +digital editing was posted 

Though most any painting I did went unmarked. I have a few painted mental 'checkins' I keep.

Some cropped pics of the interesting sections, and a vid of what I did before letting it dry exist.

https://twitter.com/ImperialNewsJ/status/1422834594760560640?s=20

 

My Old Poetry that didn't make sense

 Today, I had a chat with an author about Mind Control and Stargate related technology. So, one of my older tweets from 2018 I made when I returned to the mainland has my college poetry. The part of Torture that i mentioned when writing to the United Nations, is that the perpetrators also had access to all of my belongings in the mainland for most of 9 years. I lost everything that was left at my office in Ithaca, NY. The Landlord, no one ever attempted to call me. And when I was permitted to communicate with my parents;- of course my father happily made sure I would not have my vehicle when I returned. That is one of the other reasons, there is no question in my mind that the father I had was a malicious State Actor. One of the poems is a sonnet entitled 'A Pear Tree Lullaby'. I have other poetry I wrote on an old floppy and zip drive too. I had read some of the poetry at an Eco day poetry reading at college. And some people wondered if I was psychotic, while not knowing that I had been recently diagnosed with Hyperacusis at the Sir Ewig hearing clinic.  

#mkStargate #ti #EM #microwave #HF
A surreal sonnet I wrote 99' after being diagnosed with HF sensitivity & super hearing. pic.twitter.com/YiDVVLBxHi

— intergalactic (@ImperialNewsJ) November 1, 2018

Near completed for submission, Score pdf link

The link to my score with accompaniment is at : A Photo in my Mind 

 Today I attempted to record a version of the song for submission. My voice decided for me, that singing in my contralto range felt better than in my Mezzo voice. Something about the mix is definitely unresolved after grinding up my vocal cords to the D5 for a bit. My voice is far far from polished yet it's functional to document my song.  Though getting down to B2 is not where I headed and stopped off near the D2. 

My score is entitled 'Photo in My Mind' for Mezzo and Contralto/Tenor. The range is B2 to G5 and I changed a few notes. I slapped in some German translation, yet the 'in my mind' as Geist or Herz being my favored choices is yet to be worked out. Due to the Use of the Muse3 scoring software, I had some issues with notes moving around and did my best to remove extra notes and rests with the newer commands. However, it didn't work for everything. And yes, I checked the voicing boxes and tried everything to remove extraneous or incorrect markings. 

Emailed April and shared my practice sesh. She basically said it's o.k. and doesn't need to pro-sound recording. I'm simply enthused that I was able to put everything together to this point, even shortening the song to get it finished quickly. Bucket list item since 2004 nearly done, though it's not a CD of my original work I want. As an adult, it's a big heart wish for personal reasons. 

Song with German translation

 Photo in My Mind;- Tonight --past 20hrs Worked intermittently on Setting my lyrics to German translation in the Score since I have to submit at least a DeepL translation with it:  I put in my English words from the last post;- I had to adjust what I could to fit the music better. And I set at least the soprano part to the lyrics- of S/A+piano ...  Though I'm not sure how involved It's going to get with the piano part... since I have to record myself singing it--video??...and I'm a bit out of practice vocally. I want to finish this first went OCD on it... before I focus on other things.  This still needs some work. But most people with half a brain know that names double up ....if there are 'missing' lyrics. And since we have 'bad English with Pennsylvania Deutsche colloquial structure, I decided to omit extra German syllables in this.  1st two pages were posted... and not done yet. It's for Soprano, Mezzo, Alto, Tenor...maybe bass? The link to the DRAFT that is mostly written is here: "Photo in My Mind" (draft copy) .pdf 

it's not finished. Posting due to the computer being rickety and beeping at me with issues.

Here's the German... there is Japanese that follows that I have yet to do, and Einstillen isn't a word that translated into Katakana. 

Foto in meinem Kopf   

Ich bin schon seit einiger Zeit mit Bruno Groening zusammen.

Sein Foto hat sich in mein Gedächtnis eingebrannt

Und das Einstillen ist seine Art

Ich nehme jeden Tag Heilstrom auf

Bruno Groening mein alter Freund

(Original:) Durch Einsamkeit und Trauer (Ersatz:) Durch Liebe sind wir so gesegnet

Finde ich den Weg zur heilenden Welle

(Original:) Dass Gott heilstrom gemacht hat (Ersatz:) Gott hat uns so gesegnet

Und dann fragte mich eines Tages jemand

Kann ich bei dir mitfahren, mein Freund

Ich habe nicht, was es braucht 

Um dorthin zu gelangen, was ich kann

Durch die Hilfe von jemandem, den ich verehre, --Durch die Hilfe von einem, der verehrt=Through the help of one who adored--translatedfor music

 das ist es, was sie mit Liebe meinten

--That is the meaning of love=Das ist die Bedeutung der Liebe--translated to fit.

Und viele Segnungen kamen 

um auch den Schmerz und das Leid wegzunehmen

--zum entfernen die schmerz und Leiden weg=to remove the pain and suffering away--translated to fit music

Eines Tages hielt ich dein Foto in meinen Händen

Und mein Herz stand so still

 -- Ich hielt Ihr Foto in meinen Händen ein Tag, und mein Herz wurde still=  I held your photograph in my hands one day, and my heart became stillness--translated to fit music

Die Heilung kam schnell eines Tages

Nachdem ich viele Stunden und Monate und Jahre gebetet hatte--The healing came quickly one day 9

After I had prayed

many hours and months and years =Die Heilung kam schnell eines Tages

Nachdem ich gebetet hatte

viele Stunden und Monate und Jahre --translated for music (Die Heilung kam schnell eines Tages 

Nachdem ich gebetet hatte

viele Stunden und Monate und Jahre=The healing came quickly one day 

After I had prayed

many hours and months and years AMK

Ich bin seit einiger Zeit mit Bruno Gröning zusammen--Ich bin mit Bruno Groening=I am with Bruno Groening--translated for music AMK 

Mit seinem Foto, das sich in mein Gedächtnis eingebrannt hat

Gott schickte die göttliche

--God sent the divine=Gott schickte den göttlichen--translatedfor music AM

Meinen Weg zur heilenden Welle finden

Dass Gott so heilstrom gemacht--

Meinen Weg zur heilenden Welle zu finden

Die Gott so heilsam strömenließ=Finding my way to the healing wave

That God made flow so healingly--translated for music AngelaM.Kneale

Here it is in Japanese: 

フォト・イン・マイ・マインド

ブルーノ・グルーニングとは、以前から

彼の写真は私の心に刻まれている

そしてEinstillenをするのが彼のやり方

私は毎日ハイルシュトロームに通っている

ブルーノ・グルーニング 私の古い友人

(Original:) 孤独と悲しみを乗り越えて (substitute:) 愛を通して私たちはとても恵まれている

癒しの波への私の道を見つける

(オリジナル:) 神がハイルシュトレンを作ったこと (代用:) 神が私たちを祝福してくれたこと

そしてある日、誰かが私に尋ねた

君の車に乗せてくれないか、友よ

私には必要なものがありません 

自分ができることをしてそこにたどり着くために

憧れの人の助けを借りて。

 それが「愛」なのだと思います。

そして、たくさんの祝福が訪れ 

痛みや苦しみも取り除いてくれる

ある日、私はあなたの写真を手にしました

私の心の中ではじっとしていましたが

癒しはある日突然やってきた

何時間も何ヶ月も何年も祈っていたのに

私はブルーノ・グルーニングと一緒にいたことがあります

彼の写真は私の心に刻まれている

神が送った神聖なもの

癒しの波への道を探して

神がハイルシュトロームを作ってくれた

2nd draft with melody notes

 This is the song in Treble clef. However, I'm still deciding on mix since I'm more comfortable as an alto.

Things to note for other instruments: 

1. It is in D Mixolydian. 

2. I wrote for piano and voice.

3. The lyrics open on an ascending minor seventh (a bit unusual)

The range is B3-F5 for this version... and due to deciding the accompaniment, it's not the 100% placement of all the notes yet. I originally sang while vamping in my head voice B2-C5...so everything is an octave lower except the scale in line 2. The song is written for Bruno Groening in the Music group. Have a lot to do since there's no Midi keyboard here.   Chord progression with melody is simple without accompaniment. It's in 

The word Groe-ning is on a downbeat with my accompaniment.

The Lyrics and melody...basically - not finished version.

Basic Lyrics after the vamp sesh. - there's more.. yet not needed.

Photo in My Mind

I've been with Bruno Groening for some time

His photograph etched in my mind

And doing Einstillen is his way

I take in heilstrom everyday

Bruno Groening my old friend

(Original:) Through loneliness and grief  (substitute:) Through love we are so blessed

Find my way to the healing wave

(Original:) That God made heilstrom (substitute:) God so made us blessed

And then one day someone asked me

Can I have a ride with you, my friend

I don't have what it takes 

To get there doing what I can

Through the help of some one I adore,

 that is what they meant by love

And many blessings came 

to take away the pain and suffering too

I held your photograph in my hands one day

And my heart it stood so still

The healing came quick one day

After I had prayed many hours and months and years

I've been with Bruno Groening for some time

With his photo etched in my mind

God sent the divine

Find my way to the healing wave

That God so made heilstrom

Draft of Lyrics for Song w/vid

Bruno Groening inspired song... I'm at the piano working this out today. 

Didn't plan to post this vid either, working 1st time over and coming up with lyrics. I cried a lot through this. Also, I'm ditching the negatively programmed word editor for interfering with auto-correct.

This needs to be edited... But it's a start. Will add the video link... Angela Meredith Kneale / Angela Kikuchi Kneale Key of D Major. 

 I've been with Bruno Groening for some time 

Through the loneliness, I did find (a way)

 With this photo-etched in my mind

 God sent the divine

 Bruno Groening my old friend 

Through loneliness and grief

 Find my way to the healing wave

 That God bestowed on us.

 Healing waves to take the pain 

The judgment of people, it does hurt 

Being vulnerable while mending wounds

Every night I go to bed 

A healing photograph inside my head

 An old photograph I saw 

I didn't laugh

 And the healing came one day

 for those who saw a film with friends

 The healing came quick one day

 while I had prayed many hours and months and years.

 Then one day someone asked me: Can I have a ride with you my friend?" 

They didn't have a way to go see this old old man. 

And many blessings came to take away the pain and fear they saw.

I held your photograph in my hands one day

 And my heart, it stood so still. 

 I've been with Bruno Groening for some time 

Through the loneliness, I did find (a way)

 With this photo etched in my mind 

God sent the divine 

Bruno Groening my old friend 

Through loneliness and grief

 Find my way to the healing wave 

 I don't have what it takes my friend to get there doing what I am.

 And then I walked inside with them one small woman and one more 

I was introduced....and shut the door.

 So looking back friend to the day didn't tell you why

 I stayed for a long long time.

 And in this short, short life, I must live each day

 there's a way I ask, to God to see me through.

 And in this short life, I was given. 

I only had a task or two.

 I've been with Bruno Groening for so long

 My friends, I found my way to you.

Lyrics exercise Saturday July 17

Still lacking inspiration. ... yet wrote a couple of blocks of poetry. Moon Fallen Vampish... send your heart to me, wrap it in a chocolates' box, and scribble LOVE in red dribbles Do you know where I am? Did you write my address first? You know what I love. That you know, You know how I like things That you will live for me after I taste your chocolates that red sweet dribble after I drift through excitement & Bliss sinking my teeth into you, are, sweet yet so so live without a faint heartbeat reflecting on my ears no more nightmares no more fears we will live beyond the Sun's drenched tears Kissing your heart Travelling Red Astronaut Like you alot Living kind through infinite time. Angela Kikuchi Kneale Aloha by Angela Kikuchi Kneale Once upon a dream in neverending eden Sun gazeing pierces my soul with solar waves Charging my heart I need an inspirational restart Rushing my heart emotional lights & darks overwhelmed memories my inherit sin protected by immortal wings Your smile etched into my burning heart I diverge into the dark black hole penetrates the depth of my soul Rushing my heart Emotional lights & darks Run through my heart and fly me to the sun (Burn with fire the wretched human.)

Independent Lyric writing exercise... July 2021 week1

Decided to work towards writing one song, with lyrics. This was my goal when I went to Hawaii for a long vacation. However, things are quite fragmented right now (11 years later) That's how much USA intel has wrecked my life. They have hated me being in classical music, and I've mentioned some of who 'they' are in my one US affidavit. By Angela Kikuchi Kneale - after random rhyming blocks... new block Hiroshima images?: Like Gothic raindrops We/I/You Haven't forgot fellennnn, fallen out image (sitting under a pavillion) sold into oblivion embedded with breath soul essence effect explosively bright dark fragments ignite splatters my skin dark/dew droplets of sin cry tears of nuclear years/ irradiation and rise after night ... forplay of war --- {end new block7/9/2021} Walking high above the clouds. I woke My soul is tattered My heart beat scattered End of the succession that defies How many lifes did they take for you? Defies natural profression Tearing my soul apart one more time around to fix it what is this a demon's tricks? Dissolves pain that made my heart nearly obliterate Shielded my heart from your games directors and demons preachers and sermons my heart compounded by these calloused walls. surrounded by killers... compartmentalized pillars Lie wake with my eyes wide open to my soul inside. Points in time in quantum mind You think you cling wait for the clock to sing quantum mind I swing from my immortal thread. Lie awake in bed (repeat) My adventures never been said never tell the tales of what we did Lie wake with my eyes wide open to my soul inside Points in time in my mind. Some people? live they talk and sing reminding the static of how they cling to life to life every day is certain never do much more than pull back a shower curtain ------------------------------------ immortality is a frequency like any other have you tuned in turned on? all is pitch my mind my mind didn't design a body of time your soul controlled if i had another life that is karma free I'd come back to visit and set ___________free we liberate, we liberate dissolve locks Open doors did you think you'd see my face? through time and space beings are free Walk through my gate demons don't lurk or wait... compassionately you're running out of time. Lonely you're haunting my sleep frequency glitch our timelines fixed love love love. eternal betrothed Once upon, Once upon...a dream....a dream (repeat fade in) I felt my love's immortal breath survived how many lifetimes. Until our once upon a time storybook ends. We walk through sands of time only you and I survive my salvation is it holy? do i live for you?

Retracing Racial Norms

Sample slides of the Presentation

 "Retracing racial norms: Politics and it's impact on modern diversity training"  is a brief overview of my viewpoint. Recent "anti-Asian" hate crimes diversity training seemed to lightly address common racist views. And, I don't believe from my own experience that people are independently being mindful after the diversity trainings. Some, are going through recent required trainings and lashing out with hostility anyway.   My opinions are due to the contents of diversity training impacting my "international" life as a family member in a foreign family. And because of this fact, my opinions diverge from the popular domestic trends. As a lifelong activist, and "mixed race" Asian- American, I find that academics who have not lived through decades of hate crimes don't represent my views. So, This is my presentation of the not "sugar coated"  version of diversity related issues. And, is not so academic as I have forged my path outside of US institutional abuses. 

There is a pdf version that Will be made available with the full presentation deck.